Change of Tune

I gotta stop talking about my “near-death”. Seriously, talking about that day gets me all panicky. But I can tell you something about Bella. And then we can go back to talking about the kids.

You want to stop for the night? We can. As soon as we find a town.

As for Bella. I’ve gotta tell you this one. I tell it to everyone ‘cuz I think it’s kind of important. I got her when I was like thirteen but I was like 16 when we decided to go for a walk one day. A walk that turned into more of a struggle to get back to society.

I don’t remember why, but I was pissed off about something and decided to take Bella for a walk one day. My car wasn’t working, there was no way to get it started right that second, and I was sick of being in the house! So I strapped her leash on and we set out.

We were gonna go far. Fuck it. I was pissed about something I can’t remember now. Bella was ready – a strong, agile, cheerful, and energetic dog. Fuck ’em, she seemed to agree with me as we strode down our street.

Northern Illinois towns are all surrounded by fields. Fields of soybeans, of corn, of junk. We reached a “small” field soon enough, one that we would cut through to make it to another road faster.

Were we prepared? Not a bit. I think I had tennis shoes on but that’s it when it came to preparedness that day. The field was dry nearest the road and we easily made it down into the rows of older, dry corn that nobody was caring for. The sun shone hot on us. It was fun.

Soon we reached a creek. Not a real creek but one of those arroyos that appear in fields – most likely full of run off. It was low so we crossed it easily. We were doin’ it – strikin’ off on our own, I mean.

During none of this time was I delusional. Just a dumb kid walking with her dog. But “outside” is still much more difficult to traverse than many realize. We soon found that out.

After the arroyo we reached the end of the drier field and the grass became much taller. I couldn’t see the road we were trying to reach anymore. All we could see was grass. Mud was suddenly deep and sucking us in. I had to choose – struggle on or turn back.

We turned back. And turning back was the hardest part. The grass was so tall, the mud so thick and everwhere. And what direction were we going? Finally we came back to drier soil, but we were in a different area and the arroyo was running full right in front of us.

Arroyos can be deceiving – they look shallow but their currents are strong. I, not having crossed many arroyos before, took two steps in, almost lost my balance, and jumped to the other side. Bella had waited, watching me cross, and thought she could do it then.

She had been more tired than I had realized and as soon as she set down a paw into the creek the water picked her up and started to carry her. Thinking fast, I pulled her to me with the leash still connected to her collar. We sat down on the ground after that. Soon enough we picked up and went home, mud-covered, wet, hot, and scared.

As a leader, I sometimes fuck up. I sometimes misjudge currents that I haven’t seen before. But I know an arroyo now. Bella and I never did that shit again – walking around where we don’t know the ground.

The point? I don’t know. I’ll give you a minute to think of one. I see neon up ahead.

Published by

Alexandra A

I'm just a skinny girl with a lot of hair and a couple of stories. I'm 26, married, and have two very active, sparkly-eyed babies. My mother lives with me so I've got my best ally and source of wisdom here, too. Everything I do is for my family. We like to garden, paint, start projects, read, and watch a little bit of Netflix. I'm working on my cooking, parenting with patience, and learning how to love life where I'm at. Though I've abandoned my degree three times in two different states (yes, I said three times), I have listened and watched and picked up a couple of tips. Most of what I write is entirely non-fictional because I let life spin the tales. I'm ready to learn more and am excited to meet others on the same path. This is to serve as a record of what I've done. All pictures have been taken by me, unless otherwise credited.

6 thoughts on “Change of Tune”

  1. if we never fuck up, we will never learn. leaders are human too. we have to remember that. parents are not Gods. mistakes mean we are trying.

    we need to venture out, to test ourselves. without doing so, we dont grow as a person. we can say…i have been here before and i can do this and i survived.

    more good vibes to you

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Welcome back Alexandra😊
    I know you haven’t been expecting comments bc these are your “journals” but I believe you answered the question in the post- ‘As a leader, sometimes I fuck up’.
    How many times- especially as parents-do we make choices that are not the best? Sometimes we catch ourselves immediately, othertimes, it could be the next day or we may never notice until our kids point it out- parenting is not an actual science. It’s a work as you go thing.

    I’m enjoying how your journaling process is constructed😊. I’m glad you are using it to help you understand your ordeal. As an introvert, I converse with myself as if I had my best friends with me (both of my besties are in two seperate states from me)- essentially who is our truest best friend? Ourselves. Who will listen best? Ourselves. So, we take ‘roadtrips’, have ‘coffee dates’ whatever to help us think.

    Continue on your path to healing. Pesce and blessings❤

    Liked by 2 people

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